55 Best George Carlin Quotes

1. “I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.” — GEORGE CARLIN

2. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” — GEORGE CARLIN

3. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — GEORGE CARLIN

4. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.” — GEORGE CARLIN


5. “That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” — GEORGE CARLIN

6. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” — GEORGE CARLIN

7. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” — GEORGE CARLIN

8. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” — GEORGE CARLIN

9. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” — GEORGE CARLIN

10. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” — GEORGE CARLIN

11.  “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” — GEORGE CARLIN

12. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” — GEORGE CARLIN

13. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” — GEORGE CARLIN

14. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” — GEORGE CARLIN

15. “As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.” — GEORGE CARLIN

16. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” — GEORGE CARLIN

17. “Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you’ve painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.” — GEORGE CARLIN

18. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” — GEORGE CARLIN

19. “Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” — GEORGE CARLIN

More George Carlin Quotes Below:

20. “Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn’t want you to know something, it won’t be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.” — GEORGE CARLIN

21. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” — GEORGE CARLIN

22. “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?” — GEORGE CARLIN

23. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” — GEORGE CARLIN

24. “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.” — GEORGE CARLIN

25. “If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?” — GEORGE CARLIN

26. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” — GEORGE CARLIN

27. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — GEORGE CARLIN

28. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.” — GEORGE CARLIN

29. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.” — GEORGE CARLIN

30. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — GEORGE CARLIN

31. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.” — GEORGE CARLIN

32. “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.” — GEORGE CARLIN

33. “One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.” — GEORGE CARLIN

34. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” — GEORGE CARLIN

35. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” — GEORGE CARLIN

36. “If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten.” — GEORGE CARLIN

37. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” — GEORGE CARLIN

38. “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” — GEORGE CARLIN

39. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” — GEORGE CARLIN

40. “All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.” — GEORGE CARLIN

41. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” — GEORGE CARLIN

42. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?” — GEORGE CARLIN

43. “We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” — GEORGE CARLIN

44. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?” — GEORGE CARLIN

45. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.” — GEORGE CARLIN

46. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” — GEORGE CARLIN

47. “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?” — GEORGE CARLIN

48. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” — GEORGE CARLIN

49. “Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.” — GEORGE CARLIN

50. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — GEORGE CARLIN

51. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.” — GEORGE CARLIN

52. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” — GEORGE CARLIN

53. “I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.” — GEORGE CARLIN

54. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — GEORGE CARLIN

55. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” — GEORGE CARLIN

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